The Thinking Drinking Man Goes Grocery Shopping, Then Battles Pirates

I went to Woolworth’s at around three o’clock this afternoon to get some groceries. I did not plan on entering Adelaide Fantasy Land. When I was checking out and the girl was bagging my groceries, I heard a bunch of hooting and hollering coming down Rundle Street. I looked down the street and saw around 40 ninjas and 40 pirates. They were completely decked out and legitimately looked like ninjas and pirates. I asked the girl what was going on and she told me that every once in a while, someone organizes these events where people, mostly teenagers, get together, dress up, and just parade around the city like they are crazy.

Apparently, the ninjas were supposed to be “fighting” the pirates and they were all yelling at each other and doing the “Argh Matey” thing real loud. It caught a lot of people’s attention, and some were enjoying the spectacle, but I did not find it amusing in the least. I was tired, a little hung-over, I did not get my workout in, and all I wanted to do was go back to my apartment and eat some macaroni and cheese. Naturally, when I had paid for everything and was heading out the door, Captain Jack Sparrow and his entire damn crew was right in my way. Most of them looked to be between 15 and 18, and all the dudes were relatively scrawny. There was no way around them, so I headed straight through them. I am guessing that my 6”3” frame, wearing sweats and my orange Clemson jacket (Go Tigers), carrying groceries and standing among 40 pirates, with the tallest being 5’8”, was a site to see. It must have sparked a little curiosity among the pirates.

One of the pirates, a solid 5’6” and dressed like a ferry, stepped out in front of me, pretended to cut me down with his Toys R Us sword, and yelled, “Surrender the Booty!”.
Judging by his soft voice and feminine demeanor, I think he was after a different kind of booty. I gave him look that said, “You touch me with your little plastic sword, and so help me God, I will beat you down with this grapefruit in my hand”. He quickly got the picture, started walking backwards, tripped over his own feet, and inadvertently took down another four or five pirates with him. It was like watching a human bowling game.

The rest of the pirates, seeing the ruckus, looked at me and assumed that I was the cause for the five guys on the ground. For a second, I thought things were going to get a little hairy and I was fixing to go into battle with a bunch of 16 year old pirates stabbing me with plastic swords. Thankfully, they did not feel the same and thought it was in their best interest to get out of my way, which they did. Thinking Drinking Man 1, Pirates 0.

Thinking Drinking Man Lessons

1. If necessary, grapefruit can be used as a weapon.