The Thinking Drinking Man Goes White-Water Rafting

I have been white-water rafting twice, both times down the Chattooga in Tennessee. The Tully was a completely different experience. We got picked up outside our hostel at 6:30 am by R n R rafting and once we stepped on the bus, the driver asked us if we spoke English, yes we do, he pointed to the back of the bus. I laughed a little. The front of the bus was reserved for all the Japanese. They had a translator and everything. We, the English speaking people had Fabio. His real name was Fabio. I asked to see his ID for verification. Fabio was our tour guide and he would talk for a little while, then the translator would grab the microphone and we would hear Japanese for a few minutes. It was an interesting bus ride to say the least. Fabio was raised in Peru but had been living in Cairns for the last 12 years so his accent was very unique. He had quite the since of humor too. We went through this small town and he said “You see these two old guys on the bench here. They is millionaires. Oh, you American girls, you like that huh. Easy money”. Then he would laugh in his Peruvian Australian accent. I eventually managed to drawn it all out and got a little sleep on the hour and 45 minute bus ride.

We got to the river and we were put with Callum. He was 27 and had been a guide on the Tully for almost three years now. He reminded me a lot of a good buddy from high school. The only difference is that Callum did not have as bad of a receding hair line. All five of us were together and with Callum, the boat was well balanced. The Tully is considered one of the top rivers in Australia with numerous class four rapids. During the wet season, it is impossible to raft because there is so much water. Compared to the Chattooga, which has several class 5 rapids, the Tully was not as demanding, but what it lacked in difficulty, it sure made up in personality.

The scenery was amazing. We learned from Callum that the river was formed from a Volcano a long time ago and every once in a while, we would come to a bend and there would bee 100 foot tall cliffs on either side. The whole area was rain forest with the left side of the bank being World Heritage Park and the right side a national park. It was beautiful. We saw several Ulysses butterflies, yellow finches, Cassowaries, and some amazing foliage. Callum, who had a really conniving personality, took advantage of our ignorance when it came to Australian wildlife and at a calm part of the river, we paddled over to this beautiful tree. He told us that the tree leaves tasted like Red Bull and that the indigenous people would use it as an energy source. Believable. We stupidly grabbed a handful of leaves and stuffed them in our mouths. Not Red Bull. It tasted awful. He got a good laugh out of it.

Halfway through the trip, we stopped on the side of the river where R n R had a campground and we had lunch. There was a beautiful waterfall on the other side of the river coming down a mountain, giant perch swimming around, and these crazy looking birds skirting through the camp site. They reminded me of a Turkey and a Gamecock, but they were smarter than a Gamecock. That’s really not saying much though. But back to the point, these birds were very unique. They stood about a foot tall, were dark black with bright red heads and they had about a four inch yellow gizzard hanging down. They had some nasty looking claws on their feet so I kept my distance. They were very passive creatures though and were just looking for a free meal, but they Japanese were terrified of them. I would look up from my burger, see three Japanese women leaned over trying to get as close as possible to take a picture of this unique bird, the bird would squawk, and the Japanese girls would scream and run away. Thus leaving the bird with a free meal. An obvious victory.

After we finished lunch and the Japanese felt that they had completed their task of taking 5 million photos, we got back in the rafts for the second half of the river. This is where we had some real fun. We went through a couple of rapids, which Callum had named, but I do not feel comfortable repeating, and then we got to do something that you are not gonna get to do in the states. We beached the raft, climbed back up the river, then jumped off a rock and floated through one of the rapids. It was a solid class three, but as long as you stayed on the right side of the river, you avoided the big rocks. The translator was no longer with us so I am guessing that some of the Japanese girls did not understand Callum’s directions. They ended up on the left side of the river. I am still amazed that they came out with only a few bruises.

When we came to the last class four rapid of the day, we had to all lean to one side of the boat so we could squeeze through these two big rocks, then “hold on to your ass” as Callum would say. The name of the game was stay in the raft. We soon found out why. We were the first raft to go through, and the second raft came in a little sideways, got wedged up against the rock, and these two German girls fell out of the raft. They got pushed towards this big rock, which was at the end of the rapid, but right in the middle of the river, and then just like that, they were gone. They had been sucked under and were no where to be found. About two minutes went by and by now, the guides were all in positions with ropes and throw-ables just in case they popped back up, but I could tell by looking at Callum that their chances were getting slimmer and slimmer with every passing moment. Then out of nowhere on the back side of the rock, they popped up. After they coughed up a good gallon of water and managed to catch their breathe, we learned that apparently there is a little hole under the rock and got sucked down, bounced around for a few minutes, and with all the water rushing through, they got pushed out the other side. They definitely got their money’s worth.

We reached the pick up point at around 4:00 pm, making a grand total of 6 solid hours of rafting. I was beat, a little burned, and in need of a beer, and guess what, I got my answer. We all piled on the bus, and within ten minutes, we were at the R n R headquarters which doubled as a pub. We had a few beers with Callum, thanked him again for a hell of a time, then got back on the bus and headed home. I slept the whole way. So did Brooks, but he had his face up against the window and was drooling a little bit. One of the Japanese girls took a picture.

Thinking Drinking Man Lessons

1. When selecting a rafting company, look for one that owns its own pub at the end of the river. It is pretty convenient.