The Thinking Drinking Man Throws Down

For a Friday night, I was really taking it easy. We had the Uni Ball the next night and I knew that would be a long night, so I was chilling out watching the Olympics. The rest of the crew was going out for a beer at the local pub London Tavern down the street and for the sake of nothing better to do, I joined them. Brooks and I grabbed a seat in front of one of the TV’s to watch the dream team dominate Argentina. I was about half way through my Cooper’s, which is a delicious beer, when out of nowhere, I got shoved up against the wall and spilled my beer all over my dockers. No worries though, I was wearing protection, my stain defender pants. As for the half empty beer in my left hand, big problem. I got pissed. It was pretty dark in there and I was looking around for the culprit when I heard, “What the @#% are you looking at?” I looked down and saw this fat guy, about 5’4”, completely decked out. He looked like a tool. He was wearing a white and red Dale Earnhardt Jr. racing jacket, black pants, and all white shoes and he reeked of alcohol. Once I got my bearings, I realized by his physical features and his accent, that he was an aborigine, and for some reason he was super pissed.

Brooks stepped in and said, “Relax man, we are just watching the dream team”. This guy was not convinced. He looked at Brooks, told him to go “do you know what” to himself, looked at me and said, “I know you have been watching me all night you racist pig, go @#$% yourself”. He then spit on my shoe. My new shoes. My new shoes that I have grown quite fond of. According to my buddy Joe, spitting on someone is second to whiping a booger on the face when it comes to “Best ways to start a fight”. He is right because I lost control of my emotions for a second, which I rarely do, and stepped in and gave him a little shove. Taking into account the adrenaline and beer, it was quite a bit more than a little shove and several seconds later, after watching this guy do some very interesting acrobatics as he went over a table and some chairs, he ended up about twenty feet away, face down on the floor with his ass sticking up in the air. The fact that he was about 5’4” and built like a bowling ball only added to his momentum as his tumbled from one side of the room to the other. As an innocent bystander, I can imagine that watching this whole scene unfold would have been pretty entertaining.

He got up, started heading my way, and for a few seconds I thought “great, I am fixing to get in a tussle with a short, fat, drunk aborigine. This is gonna be interesting”. He covered about half the distance between us, turned towards the door and tried to spit on me at the same time. He ended up spitting on himself which is kinda funny. I told him to have a nice day, he gave me the finger, and that was that.

The average American college student probably doesn’t come across this kind of situation to often. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I am privileged to have had such an encounter, but it was a new experience. Just one more to add to the list of Allen Brown’s adventures in Australia.

Thinking Drinking Man Lessons

1. When going out on the town, always wear protection - stain defender pants.